silence

i’ve walked almost my entire life with my eyes open. i saw where i was going and knew who i was. but this period of my life i feel like i’m wandering blind. i’m lost in every sense.

the thing that i feel the most guilt for not taking enough photographs. i compensate for my bad memory by capturing as much of life as i can, and when i miss things, i feel like they are gone forever. this guilt is closely followed by letting people down. which is something i can be very good at. it’s not that i don’t care, sometimes i care so much i feel like nothing i do would be worthy. not blogging has stuck around like a sickness these past few weeks and i am deeply sorry.

i am no longer a gypsy. me and m are renting a house on a hill overlooking the blue mountains. it is so cold and beautiful here. we have a fireplace, a bath, big windows and a balcony. the first few nights we huddled under airline blankets, our few possessions scattered around us. our home was so empty.

we quickly filled the home with things i never could have owned as a gypsy. i can feel the weight of all these things i now have and i wonder whether it was a good idea. but this isn’t the end of travel for us.

i don’t know why i’m lost. i can’t even remember when i lost me. love brings on so much feeling. this afternoon love made me sit in a hot bath, sobbing until i was weak and drowning a bottle of red wine on an empty, sick stomach. yesterday love made me feel the same intense happiness i had as a child. relationships are hard. especially between passionate, strong-minded artists. but deep down that’s what i need, something to experience, feel, write about. maybe i’ve been losing myself in the bad us. i love you m, i know things will become okay again because they always are.

i’m so lost i’m not even sure where i am going with this. but please be patient while i slowly return to myself. i have so many pictures i want you to see.

love, n

 

i don’t take many self-portraits anymore. this is me at my grandparents house early this year.

62 love notes for “silence”

  1. Jade

    So enjoying re-reading these beautiful, raw, enlivening old articles. I’m thankful for all you’ve shared.

  2. Rainy

    You look so young in this photo. I love how you voiced your feelings out ♥

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  4. Feeona

    You have this amazing way of just describing perfectly those feelings that I can't describe myself. You are amazing!

  5. Roisin (Ro-Sheen)

    Your words have a way of showing us your world. A small glimpse into what you live and breathe everyday. You may have been gone but through the words you just posted, I understand as I'm sure everyone else does. We will all still be here when you come back, when your ready :)

  6. Patti Anglin Photography

    I'm so glad to see you blogging again, I have missed you. You write so beautifully and I love your photos. Take care and hope you feel more like yourself soon. :)

  7. Gyan Gurung

    nirrimi you shine too bright, it won't be long till you find yourself again :)

  8. nisetaa

    I send you a big hug from across the ocean. Everything passes, and you will found yourself

  9. barkingtrees

    nirrimi! it's such a joy to see your new post. it's so strange, but i rifle through my twitter feed and get pretty disappointed when i dont see anything. you are a lovely soul and a gentle person who wishes good for the world. the world wishes good for you too. really :)
    i hope you feel better soon. take care

  10. Peter

    I'm a fellow photographer who stumbled upon your blog … and I'm hooked. What a soul you are. You shine so brightly that you're bound to feel the shadows more. Just keep going and time will resolve everything eventually; you'll see. :o )

  11. violet

    @Tim: I cannot believe that you could say such a thing. It is actually OK to have ups and downs in relationships, and really, in life. If everything was 'well' and 'good' all the time, it would be so flat that you would not even be able to feel.

    Nirrimi, you are such a beautiful soul, and we all believe in you. I'd have so many things to say, except that my words can't do you much justice.

    Stay strong.

    Love,
    Nirrimi's girl through and through.
    :)

  12. Tim

    Is this guy really the one for you? Sounds like he's dragging you down. I really hope you don't think his behaviour in Sydney (smashing windows etc) is romantic. It's not romantic, it's just sad, and it sounds like he needs to get some help with his drug and alcohol problems. AA or Narcotics Anonymous are excellent.
    Don't let him drag you down with him.

  13. Enya

    everyone of us has sometimes that kinda feelings and it's sad, of course :( but u'll be fine!

    you are lovely.♥ cant wait to see those pictures!

  14. a work in progress

    the things are just that…things. they can be shed just as easily as acquired. perhaps your spirit feel somewhat trapped because of the symbolic associations your mind has made with all that goes with thing-acquisition in our culture…its all a state of mind. you are as much a gypsy as ever. the you within.
    being still for a moment can be of great benefit. to your body. your mind. your soul.
    realign yourself.
    recharge yourself.
    nourish yourself.

    take care and watch your thoughts as they appear.
    take them out and turn them in your hands. study the angles, the light and the dark.
    just as you do when you shoot images…
    if you can take the time, and be still, you can and will be stronger with yourself and in yourself.

    sending you a warm and embracing hug filled with the gift of fortitude

    be well.

  15. laurahospes

    the light is amazing, still in this short-taken picture! you go girl!

    xoxo

  16. katie eleanor April 18, 2011

    we miss you and we love you, nirrimi, please have faith – i don't know weather you realise just how magically beautiful you are. this is the start of such an amazing and loving chapter for you, just wait and see. xxx

  17. Dwayne Tucker

    Nirrmi.
    People only see the pictures.
    Along with it you paint the stories vivid.
    The fans don't see what it takes to making the greatness happens,
    the long hours, the late nights, long flights, the addiction to self-motivation and success.
    Everything is in the mind. Don't lose it. We love you, I love you, M loves you.

    P.S. I was like Daymmm! Where did hell did this girl go I love looking at your photographs and reading what you have to say…talent is your first love and no one can take that away from you….only you can let it go.


    Dwayne Tucker
    @DwayneTucker | Nassau, Bahamas | Miami, Florida

  18. frizza102112

    It's better than feeling nothing at all. And I agree with all of these other posts… experiencing rock bottom only makes your future life more enjoyable.

    You're 17 and you already have so much; a lover, a career, a fan base and a home. If things can only get better than you're in for a hell of a ride.

    Fuck I wish I was you.

  19. Mária

    I really love you, n.
    Nice to hear from you again.

  20. tasha

    oh, i am delightfully smiling reading your blog. i am both feeling better and a little sad because i'm feeling the same as you are. i'm glad you are back and i'd so love to see more of your beautiful photographs, love. xx

  21. m

    Oh Nirrimi you are so precious.
    (like, actually beautiful and precious)
    It does get better.
    I'm a little jealous of your house in the mountains.
    Not of the spiders though, eep.
    Lots of love,
    (not your) M

  22. Katherine

    one day at a time, moment by moment. the future is far too overwhelming otherwise.

  23. Elly

    Nirrimi, I hope you are ok. Love is hard, life is hard but it is better to feel something than nothing, even if at times it feels impossibly painful. Don't feel bad, so many people love you, even people you've never met! Don't be afraid to cry, to seek refuge, sometimes you need a break! x

  24. Taya

    This happens to me sometimes also. I know you might not read this until after, but I hope you do one day.
    I have that feeling where Im broken yet inspired. I miss people's faces on the street and I feel like I could've taken a picture of them. It makes me die inside and I hate it. But everything happens for a reason. So stand up, and smile, even if the smile is fake, you'll feel better.
    My thoughts are with you, everythings going to be great, youre somebody I take examples from, I hope that cheers you up.
    x

  25. Alexandria

    Don't feel bad about blogging, not everyone can keep up with their own, including myself; but we will always be here ready to read and see your photos. You are such a strong person and such an inspiration to many. I hate that feeling of being lost but you'll find yourself again. It'll just take time. Be patient. Much love to you and Matt. You two are so blessed to be together.

  26. Lane

    beautifully honest. it's good to hear that you're doing well… mostly. ♥

  27. hughlin

    i have to say this article is absolutely with poetic grace~

    and as i met this situation….
    keep walking and taking photos alway can make me see lots of meaningful and beautiful things behind the inexplicable blue~

    cheer up, nirrimi :) )
    i'm looking forward to your returning & wonderful seeing photos~~~~~~

  28. sara

    it will pass, it will pass sooner or later. you're still very young; just do what you're comfortable with. take things as they are, one at a time. adjusting can sometimes be very hard. but i'm glad you're writing again, i've missed your words.

  29. Mars

    I am so happy to see that you are blogging again. You are my number one source of inspiration, Nirrimi. It's inevitable to feel lost and out of your faculties sometimes because life isn't perfect. I am sure it's going to be smooth sailing for you again, just wait and see. I am actually envious of you, living with your love and sharing with him everything. That's how I want to live my life, too, but my situation won't permit me.
    I cannot wait to see all those pictures. Hope to see your next blog post soon.

    Mars of

  30. taylah

    this post is so amazing. every single one of your posts are, but this is particularly touching. I am not quite sure how to word what i want to say, so i will just say that i hope you find your way again soon. we all know you will, and we all believe in you. things will work themselves out. in the meantime, i am so glad you blogged again, and am looking forward to seeing your pictures.
    you've been missed.
    x

  31. Lynzee

    gosh thankgoodness you blogged again.
    i have been waiting and waiting and waiting.
    so im happy now, but i get that lost feeling too, usually it happens when you need something but dont know what it is.
    when you figure out what it is life will fit together again.
    xxx

  32. hoydepunkt

    a hot cup of tea, hugs and a smile to you from Norway. although it might feel that way, you are not alone.

  33. Rachael Hyde

    learn through this time, and come out strong because of it. stay strong nirrimi, you will find your way.

  34. P Coraline

    "I know nothing of tides
    And i'm confused by the stars
    But you can never get lost
    When you've nowhere to go"

  35. kimberley

    you write such beautiful words; they're so honest and real. stay strong nirrimi xo

  36. Nicola

    don't feel sorry for not having blogged for a long time. you are an amazing person, so strong and so inspiring – although you live on the other side of the world it feels like i can feel your energy, i can feel it through your pictures and through your writing.
    so if you feel lost then just remember that you are able to make people happy. looking at your photographs makes me happy and reading your writing is like entering a totally different world. i want to thank you for sharing your creativity with us, because it is really special and precious. you are wonderful and i hope you will be ok very soon, because you deserve pure joy an happiness! thank you!

  37. Ruxandra

    I know how hard it is to find yourself when you don't even realise how have you lost yourself in the first place.Be strong and always have faith.Every journey has its rough roads.
    "Everything will be alright in the end.If it is not alright, it is not the end."

  38. Ingrid

    you are beautiful, and i hope you find yourself out there soon! take care, cause you are very talented!

  39. Tegan

    everything will be OK in the end … if it's not OK, it's not the end.
    and that photo is beautiful xo

  40. MAY

    hey. it's okay. everything will be fine soon enough. go a pace your confortable with and don't force yourself or the outcome won't be any good. you're a beautiful girl, inside and out and though we've never met before, all i really have to say is i love you–and there are thousands of other people out there who love you too. you might not believe it, but it's true :)

    cheer up a little bit :) you'll get through this

  41. natalie kucken

    we all love you so dearly nirrimi, stay strong and learn from this and all that you're feeling. do what you love and keep living. i really sincerely hope you pull through this soon.

  42. alexiscataldo

    nirrimi, i hope you read this and i also hope that when you do, it'll make you feel better. you are only human, we all feel lost most of the time, it's just something we can't avoid. but you can't get to the top without having been at the bottom first. it's like when you cut your hair, for a long period of time it is short, yes, but when it grows, it grows stronger than before. you'll find yourself soon enough. just try and focus on the little things. life is everywhere. if you become aware of that, if you recognize every little miracle, you'll start to feel complete again. it's like doing a puzzle. hard, but worth it when you get to see the whole picture.

  43. victoria

    You are such a strong, beautiful individual. I know you will find yourself again. I have the same feeling with possessions. The more things I accumulate, the more trapped I feel by them because they prevent me from picking up and leaving whenever I please. And I become this person that's afraid to leave. But you've been wandering for so long, you will wander again. For now, just the idea that you have your own wonderful place to call your own is amazing. Do something each day that scares you and pushes you to create. To write, to photograph, to collage, to cook. You will find yourself again. Break the cycle to make it happen. I'm sending warm thoughts and hopefully they'll reach you from California.

  44. Second Wind photography

    you were so strong for most time of your life. You were so young, but you had to live so many "adult" experience during the past two years. I think it is so understandly that now you feel lost and you need a "break".

    Take your time, and use it to think about your stuff, your emotions, your dreams.

    Don't feel sorry about not blogging: Your blog is the best thing on internet to me, and I love reading it. You teaches me son many stuff I can hardly remember all them. But this doesn't matter now. If you don't feel to blog, or to take pictures, just don't do it.

    You teaches me to follow my hearth and to do what I like…so do it! Take a big breath, do some meditation in the nature and take some bubble bad.

    We don't know each other, but I m following you since 3 years now, and you are part of my life in a way. I really wish you all the best, you deliver it.

    You are not alone, there is thousand and thousand virtual friends here, we all love you, and if you need anything we ll do it for you.

    I d love to write you a real letter, if you want me to mail me ([email protected])

    Take care,

    Lucia

  45. Jill.

    I almost cried,you write beautiful and so pure!
    But i'm sure you find yourself again quickly!

    x

  46. Mademoiselle Melbourne

    The ones we love are the only ones with the ability to cause that kind of pain.

  47. karinalove

    You're not lost. You're just bored. And growing up. Keep feeling. Don't try to enjoy, just breathe and explore things. Find what makes you light up again.

    <3

  48. cbannan

    love is hard but life wouldn't be worth living without it

  49. Sarah Patch

    Oh please keep posting. I've come across your work in the past few months, and you're the only photographer I've ever found whose work I LOVE. The only one.

    You speak of love a lot. This is the love that most inspires me, and I thought I'd share it with you in case it inspires you as well:

    "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." -John 3:16-17, from the Bible

  50. Pandalina

    so glad you had the time to blog again <3
    everything will be fine, nirrimi. you'll find yourself again. i can't wait to see that moment in your photographs.
    a warm hug.

  51. Jo

    I mostly want to reiterate what I said on your facebook status, that it's always ok to be scared, and not knowing might just open up new avenues to find new adventures, new people, and a new side of yourself that the different circumstances might not have enabled you to. Perhaps having a solid place to call a home, will open up a deeper passion to travel when and where you can?
    What worries me most, for myself, is being fully satisfied, because how can I expand my self if I am? Maybe not being lost is how it's supposed to be. I truly hope you find your way, and you will always have you dedicated followers to hold your hand along with Matt to help you find your way.
    Just be you – breath, and smile, and live. The rest will follow.
    Huge Love to you.

  52. jennifer

    I know precisely the scattered lost feeling you mean; I don't know what to offer you apart from warm feelings, smiles and hugs from across the world. and there are so many hands reaching out to you, don't feel alone at least. perhaps you're not truly lost, but simply needing to take time to find yourself again. to re-align yourself in this newness of new home and not moving for a while. love and smiles x

  53. [email protected]

    a huge wave of inspiration will hit you…feel better nirrimi. stay strong x

  54. kamilla.

    my patience has been put on a task, and i was so happy to see you have blogged again. thank you, nirrimi, for again giving me inspiration. it is in everything you write.
    hope you'll soon feel a little better!
    hugs

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